I have always lived one step away from suicide.

Or more specifically, the way I manage my suicidal thoughts is through imagery. Suicide sits in a cage in my brain. The cage is locked. I have the key but I won’t use it because of my son. I made that decision after my first and only suicide attempt. I thought I had a handle on things until three years ago when I fell into one of my deepest, darkest, most self-destructive meltdowns. I discovered that there are other ways to kill yourself without suicide. I caught myself halfway down into the pit of a self-inflicted slow death. It was a painful scratching, clawing of a journey back out.

There are days I am surprised I am even here.

Due to the guilt, I associate with the inability to function for long periods, very early in my life I became obsessed with the idea of discipline and willpower. For a long time, I was convinced my problem was that I was weak-willed. Even years into therapy and medication, even now sometimes I get that voice telling me I am not trying hard enough. I have dulled that voice over time. It may seem contradictory, but accepting the fact that it is hard for me to do simple things is actually empowering. If I acknowledge that it was hard to get out of bed and brush my teeth (and it honestly feels like Sisyphus and his f*cking rock some days) then I also get to acknowledge the strength it took to do it. That knowledge can be a strong motivator.

Despite acknowledging that I do indeed have an illness, I have remained fascinated by the science of willpower. Most of my reading so far compares willpower to a muscle. It can be trained and strengthened, unfortunately, it can also be exhausted (which is why we make poorer choices when we are tired or hungry or drunk). I love the concept of training your willpower like a metaphorical muscle.

Literally, anything can be a willpower exercise, as long as you do it in a regular prescribed way. The very act of doing something on a schedule improves your willpower. This concept made me think about ritual and how it is built into so many cultures and religions. Praying at set times, lighting candles, meditating every morning, etc. All of these things, I realized, can work to boost your willpower.

As I was crawling out of my pit I started thinking about willpower and ritual and if I could use some simple exercises to get me back on my feet, quite literally. I crafted a very short list of rituals, which were really just mundane daily tasks:

  1. Wake up and get out of bed in the morning
  2. Shower and brush teeth.
  3. Make and eat a healthy breakfast.
  4. Handwrite my goals and affirmations. (These were long-term goals and affirmations about the kind of person I wanted to be and the kind of life I wanted. They were only a page and I couldn’t just read them, I had to hand write them out every morning… even if I felt like a fool doing it).

That was it. I had no other requirements. I could go back to bed after that and read or sleep or cry or play mindless games on my phone, whatever my choice of numbing poison was that day, as long as I did those four things. Over time I would add more items to the list such as house cleaning, cooking, baking, taking care of errands that had piled up over the months. As you can imagine, I’d lost my job during the months of the descent into the dark pit.

At this point I have to acknowledge the privilege that allowed me the time and space to work towards being healthy. A combination of help from family and friends and government assistance allowed me to feed and house my son and myself through this journey. You will see later that accepting the help available to you is one of the rules. And, yes, I know, accepting help can be hard.

Once I was semi-functional, meaning I could take care of household and self and my son without too much trouble, my next step was to become productive. For me this meant writing my novels. One day, I was complaining to my best friend about trying how difficult the writing process was for me, and he said just think of your writing as digging a grave. My response to him was, “I can’t dig a f*cking grave because I don’t have a shovel” and he responded with the quip, “even if all you have is a spoon you can still dig a grave, it will just take longer.”

I decided to literally think of my work as digging and the only tool I have is a spoon and made a list of rules. I changed what I was digging to a ditch because a grave was rather morbid for what is essentially a self-help tool. And so my spoon rules were created:

When All You Have Is A Spoon (some rules for getting sh*t done with a glitchy brain)

Rule #1: Self care is SUPREME, this means if you do nothing else today you WILL do self care. A spoon may not be much but it’s all you have. If you break it, you’re screwed!

Rule #2: DON’T be afraid or ashamed to get the help you need to keep your spoon in the best condition possible; Friends, family, doctors, therapists, medication. If you can access it, use the help. Keep in mind that what you need may change over the years.

Rule #3: Get comfortable with your spoon and stop wishing you had a shovel. Wishing for a tool (a brain, a body, a life) you don’t have is a waste of energy. Use what you have because it’s ALL you have. It will eventually get the job done IF you DO THE WORK.

Rule #4: Being KIND to yourself is ESSENTIAL. Digging with a spoon takes A LOT of energy, don’t waste it beating yourself up. You will f*ck up. You will fall down. Acknowledge. Assess. Get up. Forgive yourself. And keep going.

Rule #5: Start NOW. Seriously, all you have is a spoon. It takes forever to dig a ditch with a spoon. Tomorrow won’t be easier than today. Next week, won’t be easier than this week. No matter WHEN you start, digging a ditch with a spoon is going to be hard. So you might as well start now.

Rule #6: DIG!!! Every day. No matter how little. Just dig! In other words, DO the WORK. Even when you don’t believe in yourself. Do it. Because while believing in yourself can make doing The Work easier. Whether or not you believe, IF you DO THE WORK, it will GET DONE!

I cannot tell you how to use the rules, or even if you should use them. I wrote them for me and never imagined I would be sharing them so publicly. However, my sincere hope is that if you are struggling to be productive and you suffer from any kind of mental illness these rules can help guide you. The Spoon Rules are not for when you are deep in the darkness. When you are in that space you need to focus on self care, aka Rule #1 aka ritual as therapy.

Where I think the Spoon Rules come in is when you are in a space where you are just surviving, but you want to do more. All the normal self help books and productivity apps and work flow strategies don’t work because they ALL run on the assumption that you have a shovel. But you don’t. All you have is a spoon. Maybe it’s a teaspoon. Maybe it’s dented or chipped but it’s all you have.

I am here to tell you that your one spoon, whatever shape it’s in, is enough.

Please contact us at MOD&ALT if you would like to connect to Delisile.